THE MANY REWARDS OF LIVING A REALLY, REALLY LONG LIFE...CHAPTER ONE

OUR YOUNGEST SON, JOEY is about to embark on a new adventure...as a comedian!

He is making his debut at the Boise 'Funnybone' Comedy Club and is putting together his own 'material' and hopes to go out there and 'knock em dead'....but his only experience was on a Cruise Ship in January where he celebrated his marriage to Nicole with a honeymoon cruising the Gulf ...and where he participated in an 'open mic' session doing some 'stand up' comedy for the first time...which he admits was lacking in laughs (although he got several guffaws) due to his use of other people's material and his unpracticed and spontaneous delivery of it.

At this point, I need to tell you that our son graduated "Cum Laude" with an English Major in December, so he has the ability and knowledge to articulate better than most, any venue he desires...and our whole family has encouraged his comedic skills since he was a wee one. I also believe that he can succeed in anything he desires...even though the stage of Idaho is not well known for spawning new talent for some reason or another?

My greatest concern is that he not get discouraged if the Idaho folks don't find him as funny as he really is...after all, he has been living in the comedic capital of the world...LA, CA...for the past four years so the audience he knows is used to great cutting edge wit and dry humor, as contrasted with 'live entertainment starved' Idaho natives (as in Oregon) ...who might not 'get it' unless he slips on a banana peel on his way to the microphone!

Also, it took years for Tim Allen to 'become' Tim Allen, and although Joey is no stranger to the stage and performing (his punk band was pretty exceptional)...it is difficult to find the common ground in 'stand up' that is 'fresh'...and some are going to miss the punch lines by a mile no matter how rich or clever it is. So, I don't want him to get discouraged if he doesn't 'bring the house down' his first time out...then again, I'm his Mom...so maybe a little overprotective spirit is creeping in there too.

Inspired by Joey's new "hobby" career (to keep his busy nature occupied outside of teaching, adjusting to a new marriage and settling into the responsibilities of family life in Idaho with Nicole compared with the glitz of Hollywood Boulevard), I began looking at the humor in my own life...as it is...and decided to write about living life with 95 year old Aunt Faye for the past eleven years with some of the material she's unknowlingly provided.

Don't get me wrong, Faye is a wonderful person, and as independent as she can be... considering she is almost blind, totally deaf without her hearing aides, is very shaky so drops things constantly, is incontenent, and barely can walk...but in spite of it all, she has a great spirit and the will to continue on.

We've learned to adjust to living together pretty well, all considered, as one always does when faced with the inevitable...but doing so brings a wealth of material I hope will give Joe some ideas and memories to draw from, as it has me, and for others to consider their own dreams of a long life in all it's raw reality...from day to day. Enjoy!



Here is Aunt Faye in the Kitchen with Lindsay as Lindsay begins to prepare dinner...and Faye doubts her capability for doing it so has to come 'supervise' even though Lindsay is a working mother of four sons and a husband who enjoys the culinary arts with considerable gusto.




Faye has found something off camera worth 'staring at' so the fact that her picture is being taken means nothing.

Don't let this sweet face fool you...those dark eyes could 'stare down' a grizzly!



It must be nice to be completely 'oblivious' to all around you at times...as Aunt Faye is here totally focused on her food to the exclusion of all other chaos around her...

Not everyone has had the "experience" of living with babies, animals and really, really old people...but the Good Lord has seen fit to see me blessed with all of it...so I've made some 'observations' I'd like to share about what I've learned on a personal basis.

BABIES, DOGS AND REALLY, REALLY OLD PEOPLE GET TO 'STARE' AT THINGS AND PEOPLE FOR AS LONG AS THEY WANT.

Everyone else in between has had to learn that 'staring' is not polite...but babies are so cute when they stare at you with that look of "serious study" as if you are some sort of experiment gone awry it is easy to forgive them the intrusion.

Dogs 'stare' because it seems they are trying to figure out if you have a 'treat' in your hand or pocket and wonder what their chances are of getting it, I believe...or in anticipation of your movement from A to B so they can follow, get underfoot, or start frolicking directly in your path so you have to stop or go around them.

You can't really get irritated with that behavior because, after all, they are just 'animals'.

Then, there are the really, really old people and they stare. You grab a morning cup of coffee and open the newspaper at the table and begin a time honored wake up ritual by glancing at the events of the day...when suddenly you feel two steely eyes boring into the back of your head with such an intensity you begin to fidget a few minutes before you actually turn around to glance at where this intrusion of your serenity seems to be coming from...and you are surprised to find two beady, dark, unblinking and riveting eyes staring so intently... you wonder if their owner is contemplating your eminent demise with a hatchet?!

(Dangerous objects start disappearing from their easy reach, following some of these experiences, I can tell you that.)

"What?", blurts out of your mouth, but you won't be getting an answer to that compelling question. Really, really old people have no idea of WHY they are staring at you...but if you live with one of them, you can't help but remember to always LOCK the bathroom door.

No need to take the invasion personally because really, really old people stare at complete strangers in restaurants, at the doctors office, hearing aide center, and even at each other in Senior Centers. Problem is, unlike small babies...they are rarely very 'cute' while doing it.

When Aunt Faye is 'staring' at someone I remind her that it is not polite to stare at people, but there is always a 'risk' in saying that because she may blurt out loudly, "Well, he looks like a big, fat slob!" or, "I think she is wearing a wig." or, "She looks like a whore in that get up..."...so I have learned that when she is staring at someone, it is usually better to pretend I don't notice it...because the outcome is just too unpredictable.

REALLY, REALLY OLD PEOPLE GET TO RE-WRITE HISTORY....COMPLETELY AND THEN SWEAR IT IS ALL TRUE!

I don't think it matters much what mistakes we actually committed in our youth because when we get really, really old...we don't have to believe we ever committed a single error in our entire lives... and we can attest to the fact that we were never wrong or inaccurate in anything else...ever. I don't think God Himself is quite as "good" as an old person 'was' in every way...especially at calling every single situation correctly and taking full credit for every success accomplished by anyone they knew...even slightly.

In fact, it isn't even important that you ever knew or met the person as long as you heard of them once...to take credit for knowing the outcome before it began...because you were an amazing prophet that everyone listened to...as if hanging on every word you ever uttered...and obeying each directive without question..due to your remarkable 'wisdom'!

So when we become ancient and live in our own new world, unencumbered with actual facts, we can just re-write history to our own version, and none are cruel enough to actually dispute it...due to our many years on earth.

You want examples? I'll GIVE you examples....I've got a million of 'em.

Linda: "Aunt Faye, I am so proud of Lindsay and Jim for working hard to keep our company strong since we have moved in Oregon."

Aunt Faye: "Well, that's because I told them they better take care of that company if they got it or I doubt it would have come out ok." (Nevermind she has no clue of what the Real Estate and Mortgage business even is...and always encouraged us to go for that awesome job of her dreams...the brass ring of life...by becoming a secretary or in servitude the government!)

Linda: "I think it is really great that David received so many awards for being at the top of his class when he graduated from the Police Academy."

Aunt Faye: "Well, that is because I told him he had better work hard and go to the Police Academy so he can make a decent living and support himself since he quit that Federal job." (Nevermind she didn't even know David was in the Academy for months after it started and asked me about his Federal job just before he came up at Christmas...so I had to remind her that he was in the Police Academy at that time, again)

Linda: "Allen really worked hard today bringing those big logs down from the West Trail, cutting them, splitting them and storing them up for next year, the poor guy is pooped."

Aunt Faye: "I told him he needed to think ahead, and I figured that there would be trees blown down from the storms so I told him to go get those logs so we would have wood for next year cause we had to cut wood all winter when I was young" (Nevermind that she grew up in Nebraska where you can drive for a hundred miles and never even see a damned tree...)

Linda: "Wendy and Will really put on a nice dinner for us didn't they?"

Aunt Faye: "Well, I taught her how to cook so she's getting pretty good at it by now."

...and then, when something goes wrong...

Linda: "It's too bad my cousins wife got hooked on those pain pills and now their whole family split up because of it... after so many years of marriage..."

Aunt Faye: "I never did like her, I told him not to get involved with her and he did so against my advice...now that is what happens." (Nevermind that this cousin was always held on a pedestal in her family lore because he played some professional football ...and his beautiful 'petite' wife with the ample breasts was held out as the perfect hostess, mother etc. for years and years...as I struggled to make ends meet, and marriages work, wondering what I was doing wrong compared to Barbie!)

Of course, dogs and babies would never be able to claim the all knowing 'genius' old people can....and do. In addition to that privilege...very old people get to tell you things because 'they are in the know' about all world events...in fact, they will tell you exactly what you told them yesterday as if you were hearing it for the very first time. Isn't that amazing?

PICKING NOSES, EARS AND SNIFFING BUTT...

Dogs do a lot of disgusting things...but you can somehow get past it quickly by just looking away until they are done, or by getting up and walking away if they get 'into it' with too much gusto and sound effects...but with babies and really, really old people it gets a little more complicated...the baby you can't trust to be 'alone' and stay out of trouble, and the 'ancient ones' just keep talking as you go to the bathroom and are still talking when you come out...like you never left.

In fact, if you don't hang around for the punch line or point of it...(should they remember what the point was occasionally...) you will get a replay of the whole conversation the next time you appear close enough for them to get a good start on it...so you try not to be rude as you began snoring with your eyes wide open...anyway...

A baby playing "the brown play-dough game?" with his soiled diaper can't know the difference between 'disgusting and acceptable', but as the parents are coughing and gagging while trying to clean the crib and baby up as fast as possible...

...and baby is NOT going to see smiling happy faces saying 'good boy' while they are in the clean up process...nor will he hear goochy, goochy goo from Mom and Dad for hours following that little 'surprise' either...so eventually, babies.... 'get it' that disgusting things are not on the venue at their home as acceptable behavior.

But, Old people don't give a rip who is around, nor what anyone thinks if they want to participate in disgusting things or new habits that overtake them. Case in point...

Aunt Faye became oblivious' to the fact that their finger has been boring her nose for the past two years regularly...(although everyone else around her learned how to smile politely as their eyes looked for a way to escape instead of being too mean about it by actually saying something...like stop it before I put this pillow over your face!) As they drove off, me and the nose digger were left behind, together. Faye didn't reserve her nose digging for any special occasion...

...and it didn't bother her one iota if her finger was in her nose searching frantically for something...while dining in a five star restaurant, landing at a busy airport, or at stop signs while riding in my car, or at the dinner table with 30 guests. She behaved as if she was on a mission for God.

A favorite 'comedic situation' for me was when the nose picking was going on at the same time as the 'staring'...and some poor victim (gasp) could barely endure that one -two punch or even worse, the big knock out when a loud degrading remark like "he's a big fat slob' was added to the picking and staring...for good measure!

I called it the 'Faye's freaking folks out' act, and Allen knew immediately what I meant...and now you do too.

I sorta kinda learned to live with "it" in the semi-comfort and privacy of our own home as I glanced in her direction to chat or show her something...(always to be slightly shocked at the unseemly sight of "it") but a thousand nose picks later... she had worn me down from reacting externally with raised brows or a deep sigh or with rolling eyes....but in a public place...I had to learn some way to get it under some control or I knew.... I just couldn't take her with me anymore.

I've never allowed my own children to 'act out' in public without a long agonizing walk (for them) to the bathroom for a 'tune up'...so there just isn't anyway I could sit at a restaurant knowing the customers would soon be throwing their dinner into a doggy bad once they got a gander at Aunt Faye's finger searching up her nose for a nugget one might guess must be buried somewhere near the top of her skull.

So, in any public place she was doing "it" I learned to reach over and gently put her hand down whispering, "No nose, no nose..." and most of the time she got it, but on other occasions she would loudly exclaim, "..but something is hanging out of my nose and it is driving me crazy!" ...and at those moments...

...I thought the plot of that old movie "Soylent Green" starring Charleton Heston...Definitely had an idea worth serious contemplation!

I felt like taking her to the bathroom on these occasions, but instead... whispered a little more loudly into her hearing aide, "If there was anything left in there.... it would have to be a rock glued to the inside of your nose with superglue or thousand pound epoxy... because you've been working on it for hours... so please stop because people are getting nauseated and they don't want to pay good money....to watch you digging here!"

Then, she would stop and sulk...but at least she stopped....but like a nervous Nellie I had to keep looking in her direction as I would if I had a child with terets syndrome who couldn't resist knocking over a water glass as he yelled expletives at the top of his lungs in a crowded library...so it kind of put a 'damper' on any potential for actually enjoying the 'eating out' adventure with Aunt Faye...to put it kindly.

Thankfully, the nose thing suddenly stopped and for months after that ended...it was the finger in the ear because 'gobs of invisible wax' was coming out of them and she was digging for that. A finger in the ear is not nearly as offensive as a finger in the nose...so missing a 'catch' on that one was not nearly as embarrassing for me.

Today, her skin is falling off her face in 'big sheets' so she is always pulling it off...but that is even less offensive than the ear and "it"...so I am thankful for the newest obsessive complusive disorder if that makes any sense to anyone other than myself.

Strangers in public places seem to believe she is in 'deep contemplation' as her hand reaches to her face and an imaginary sheet of skin is delicately removed....as it has the stately appearance of a sweet old retired professor pondering how best to explain the theory of relativity to sixth graders.

Of course, when she suddenly 'flicks' the skin away by jerking her hand wildly (as one might do when ALONE and a small piece of tape or sticky price tag is caught on the fingertips when wrapping a present)...people tend to 'startle' while trying to figure out what in the hell is going on with her...even if they have been taught... that it is not polite to 'stare'!

The GOOD NEWS is that the really, really old person doesn't notice anything around them but what they are focused on at that moment...(as the last picture here shows...) so they never suffer embarrassment and personal humiliation like their caretakers do! So I guess that alone is a Blessing of sorts...

The roof could cave in, the house could catch on fire (and almost has about five times so far...but that is another Chapter's story...) or everyone could suddenly go stark naked and streaking through the house at a family get together...but if 'honing in on a side of beef' is in Faye's focus...nothing else exists....and where that kind of focus is concerned, Dogs gobbling up their food provides another common ground between the two based on a 'one track mind'.

Some of the more mild mannered babies can be distracted from putting their finger or fork into a light socket once the attraction to it happens...but not many do so without considerable howling and temper Tantrums...along with completely 'determined parents' standing guard to prevent a repeat performance... but the stern 'disapproval' eventually wins and babies change to become more agreeable with time, even very sweet.

What hope are the chances that really, really old people will change those behaviors somehow for the better themselves, and even for those around them? About ZIP I'd guess.

Now, isn't that just Special (ed) to look forward to?

These are but a FEW of the many rewards a really, really long life may bring us all...and I personally don't think it sounds all that appealing...although well wishers still say, "live long and prosper" with a sincere belief that it is somehow a 'good thing " as long as you aren't starving to death or suffering, but somehow sharing the same world and mindset "babies and dogs share" doesn't float my boat either...to tell the truth.

So on that ambivalent note... we'll now close Chapter ONE, and continue on again once everyone's stomach starts to settle down a little.

Including mine.