We Cannot experience Great Joy, unless we experience Great Sorrow

A blanket of sadness hangs over our home today as we begin to finally acknowledge that two of our dogs have died and are never coming home again. I've put this off for more than a week, hoping against hope that some miracle would bring little 'Nicky', our newest dog, and 'Joey', our first dog...home to us...but we knew better, really. They were both our chocolate labs.

A few weeks ago our neighbor called and said she saw our dogs down our private road about a mile, so Allen went down to fetch them, even though we were still pretty sick ourselves. When he neared the bridge, only about an eighth of a mile away, he saw Joey and Lucky bounding home, but there was no sign of Nicky.

The creek was swollen and the current was strong and swift following record rain storms this season, and once Joey and Lucky were home, we noticed that Nicky was missing. Nicky (and Yazie her sister who belongs to Will and Wendy) were the little ones, and up until that day, never followed the bigger dogs....but with Allen and I so sick and inattentive to the dogs, and her sister no where to be found (Yazie was home with Wendy and Will) Nicky decided to follow them for the first time. We all looked as much as we could for her, going to every neighbors home...looking everywhere we thought the dogs might have gone...but we didn't find Nicky.

I think the 'boys' went somewhere Nicky was just to little to 'get out of', and it is highly likely she drown in the rushing stream...the little pups had a challenge just getting up and down the steps on the back porch, so steep areas going to what amounted to a 'river' would have been impossible for her to navigate. We hoped that someone 'stole her' and gave her a good home, but as later events would unfold, those 'hopes' are pretty much just 'wishful thinking', I fear.

As you know, from the time we got our first puppy, Joey...until we became sick...being with the dogs was a big part of our daily routine. Joey has always been called 'underfoot', and later, Lucky became 'the inspector', and Nicky was just 'precious and sweet' because of her personality. So after being gone for a week following Joey's wedding, we came home and were so sick the dogs were left on their own most of the time except for the essential caretaking.

Bored and neglected of the human attention they loved so much (as did we), they started going on 'adventures' of their own, and during those adventures...Nicky got left behind somewhere...and the bigger dogs got ahold of some raw fish.

Salmon are spawning in the creek that runs through our property now, (called Little Beaver Creek) and both Joey and Lucky loved the water...so they either fished, or took some leftovers that were on the bank. We haven't worried much about the dogs getting sick, since we've been really good in getting all their shot protocol done when it is supposed to be done, and treating them as recommended monthly with flea and tick medicine, and bathing them once or twice a month as well. No worries, we thought.

About a week and a half ago, Allen bought some new dogfood that was less expensive than they had been eating...but with four growing dogs around...the fifty pound bag was disappearing fast. Joey and Lucky seemed to turn their nose up at it, and wouldn't eat it. After two or three days of not eating the dog food...we bought a more expensive brand...and had the same results for a day or two. By now Joey and Lucky were looking like they lost weight, so we bought the IAMS puppy food they had been used to.

Two more days, and we realized that something was wrong...as it seemed they were spending a lot of time laying in their dog house instead of romping and playing as usual. We called the Vet and told them our concerns, but the people on the end of the phone sort of acted like we were 'worry warts' over nothing. It was a Thursday, but we could have an appointment for the following Tuesday...so for six more days we tried to get food into them waiting to go to the Doctors...they seemed to be better, and then worse, and then better and then worse.

On Monday, January 30th, Joey wandered off and we haven't been able to find him anywhere since then. By Tuesday, Lucky was so weak, he could barely walk as Allen bundled him up and took him to his appointment with the Vet. Then we learned of some awful disease/infection we'd never heard of before.

Lucky has 'Salmon poisioning'.

It seems that in Northern California, Oregon and Washington there is some sort of microscopic parasite 'snail' that lives in the ocean, creeks and rivers, and fish will eat these snails. They don't cause humans any problems, nor the fish...but if a dog eats an infected raw fish...these parasites get into their intestines, multiply and very quickly kill them. Without treatment, it is almost always fatal for not only dogs, but wolves, coyotes, mountain lions, and other predators...except racoons who are immune to them.

Lucky came home from the Vets that afternoon with care instructions, antibiotics, and severe dehydration...with instructions to us to try to get liquids to him. Lucky was so weak he could only hang his head in his water dish (which was inside our home as we laid him on a pillow in the hallway) and suck it down, and so thin and gaunt it was just pitiful. A few minutes later, all the water came up.

Knowing that dehydration is more deadly than disease (since we had become severely dehydrated ourselves through our sickness we found out when we finally went to the doctor) I just felt that Lucky was too close to death for us to make any more stupid and unknowing mistakes with him, so I called the Vet and shared my fears and concerns. I let him know that I believed Joey was probably already dead, and that I was not willing to say good bye to both of them...so what can we do when he can't keep liquids down...and that I think he needs to be in the hospital with professional help, if at all possible.

(The Vet had told Allen that it was very likely that Joey 'went off to die', which Allen had shared with me when he came back with Lucky, so all I could imagine is walking into the kitchen and finding Lucky dead the next morning, and it was too horrifying to contemplate after hearing that our first little love, and bundle of joy, 'underfoot' was probably dead).

The Vet said that we could bring Lucky in then, so we bundled up our "little bag of bones", and took him into the hospital. They started giving him fluids intravenously, a shot of antibiotics (all we had was pills) and he just laid there with the saddest look I just couldn't help from bawling.
Feelings of guilt and self-reproach mixed with fear and sadness, and anger all at the same time.

Between our ignorance and stupidity, and the Vet's staffs 'ho hum' attitude about getting our dogs in...I wanted to slam my head into a wall and then beat them to death as well...but I needed them to fix my Lucky so held my tongue and the rage that started welling up in me.

When Lucky looked at me so helplessly, trying and failing to even be able to wag his tail, I felt like I had betrayed his trust and was just as bad as all those people on animal planet who get arrested for not treating their animals humanely. I felt like an idiot because I always get pissed at people who have animals and then don't feed them or take care of them...and here I was...with two 'loved' dogs probably dead, and the last one teetering on the brink. It was just overwhelming to experience all that, all at once.

On Thursday, the Vet told us that Lucky was still not able to keep fluids down...but that he had the heart and the will to live...so we would just keep treating him with the antibiotics...and for us to come in on Friday as he thought he might make the turn by then.

When I went in, the Vet told me that he had done a complete blood panel on him because two of his readings were seriously abnormal, and he found that Lucky had two more serious infections that required totally different antibiotics. He also had developed a case of roundworm which he probably had, but they did not detect in their first stool analysis.

So, Lucky began a new treatment yesterday, along with the old treatment and he was starting to eat ice...and keep it down. When I went into the room to visit him, he was able to wag his tail 'a little', and when they set him on the floor (from his cage where he laid on a nice blanket) he was wobbly, but he could stand. The technicians said he had 'barked' once that day and that was a good sign, and they all came over and said what a sweet personality he had, and how well he cooperated with everything they had to do to him.

They were pretty concerned that the bill was mounting and did this whole routine about showing me where we were 'so far' financially and carried such looks of fear on their faces anticipating how I might react with the numbers they were about to reveal to me.

$460.00 was the ticket, and to me...coming from California and expecting the bill to be more than a $1,000. easily, it seemed incredibly cheap for the intensive care (he had a chart just like humans do with notations for his blood counts and stool measurements and temperature and the amount of ice he sucked down, and vomiting he had) he was receiving.

They asked if I wanted to take him home? I thought about Yazie jumping all over him (since she is here while Will is gone) and told them no. I wanted him to be a little stronger and able to stand better before we took him home and possibly made a mistake in his care, causing him to get worse. I was thinking about how the Vet discovered the two additional infections AFTER I insisted we bring him into the hospital for treatment, and that he stay there until he got stronger.

They agreed that it would be best for him to stay, but obviously were concerned that the cost was going up as well. I didn't give a rip what it cost... which made me realize just how much 'in love' with that guy we really are. I would have paid a lot more than that to prevent the little guy from going through all the sickness he doesn't even have the capacity to understand.

Today, we received a call from the Vet saying that Lucky has 'made the turn', is responding well to the new antibiotics (and the original one too) and was now able to keep his water down, his temperature is returning to normal and that they were starting him back on food slowly. He wants to talk to us tomorrow if everything continues to improve... to evaluate if he is well enough to come home. He said that he believes it might be good for him to have Yazie challenge him 'for Alpha' if everything went as well until then... as he expected.

"Honestly," he said, "He is Lucky to be alive with as much going on with him as he had, and that Lucky had a stong desire and will to live... which is probably the difference between Lucky sticking around and Joey not wanting to suffer any more than he already had".

Joey was bigger and stronger than Lucky, and both of them were infected at the same time, but one seems to have 'given up' and the other didn't. It is very strange h0w much like humans animals are at times, only lots better.

We already know that Lucky has the most 'heart' of all the dogs, and is the most loving too...but now he'll be coming home and his best pal Joey won't be here to greet him, and dogs grieve at the loss of their friends just like we do, but for now Yazie will be here to torment him and encourage him to play. I asked why dogs 'went off' to die, but no one really knows, I guess.

When we got Joey, we had no idea of anny danger that may lurk around a ranch and taught him to go with us everywhere on the ranch, so his territory was vast and wide and exposed him, and the other dogs who followed him on his missions, to the raw fish that ended up killing Joey, and almost Lucky.

Lucky doesn't seem as inclined to leave the area unless he follows Joey (and most of the time Joey went alone) so we'll have to see what he does when he gets better and gets some weight and muscle back on him, vim and vinegar too. Right now he looks like a dog that is from the starving areas of Africa and he is barely recognizable since another week has gone by without him eating real food, and he didn't have an ounce left to lose when we brought him in, but now he is even worse looking. His eyes look really sad too, and we are so used to them 'dancing'. It is really awful to be so helpless to help them, but having had kids...I DO know that feeling.

If he decides to 'wander', we're having an electric line installed which teaches them where their boundarys are. We've also decided to get him 'fixed' as soon as he is well enough, which is another factor that helps keep them from roaming. If he ever even has a 'sniffle', he will be in that Vets office immediately, no matter how stupidly over-reactive we appear over it. Then, he and we are going to Training School.

Oddly enough, if a dog survives the 'salmon poisoning', they are immune to it for life, much like we are 'chicken pox' once we are infected with it and we form antibodies. Even though Lucky will be immune, we sure don't want him leading any other dogs astray to expose them to this awful and deadly 'crud'. It also causes diarreah, but we've had so much rain and storms here, any evidence of that was washed away long before we were well enough to start looking around for it.

In life, people pass through our lives and we share some time, some laughter and some love together and eventually one or the other of us moves on. We've said good-bye to relationships before and even to our own Dad's when they passed away. It is never easy, but always teaches something if we're ready for the lessons such 'passings' can offer.

We are still to 'raw' over all this to really let it all go by saying good-bye to Joey by celebrating the love and life he brought to us, especially. We're still trying not to mention him as much as possible. We had so much more time and memories and laughter and our lives invested in him than in little Nicky.

It is still almost incomprehensible to believe that we are not going to go outside and get stampeded by them all, vying for attention or a treat....and finally, writing "about all this" is somehow organizing a lot of scattered thoughts over this into some sort of comprehensible format, which allows me to begin the process of "acknowledging" all the sadness and sorrow that permeates this home right now...while we are pretending things are normal... and to recognize and face the 'losses' we're suffering right now.

I think the hope that Lucky will be spared an unspeakable end... has given me the courage to finally think about it without looking away, and sharing it, and by that 'sharing' to let it all become real, and part of our lives forever. When Lucky begins to 'frolick' again, then we will let ourselves grieve.

I never believed it would be possible for us to become so attached to an animal as we have Joey and Lucky especially...but it is possible. It was probably 'time' for me to walk in these 'heavy' shoes to gain a better understanding for people who love their pets with such devotion.

My own voice rings in my ears as I hear myself saying, "My God, it's only a dog (cat...whatever), how can people carry on so? They act like that animal is their child, how silly can you get?" I don't like the sound of it so well today. I regret that 'coldness of heart' towards animals I was raised with, and accepted as 'true' for so many years.

So this ends on a note of great sorrow for me (and Allen), and an even greater joy that Lucky is staying with us for a time longer in our lives... a time we can no longer assume, measure or expect. If we've learned anything from this, we know we can't count on anyone being with us one day longer than their appointed time to go. That alone is a strangely 'sobering' thought.

We'll just appreciate our time together, and love him like our 'child', and act as crazy as everyone else who knows the awesome power of love, brought to us through a creature designed to freely give us an unconditional trust, love and devotion...none of us humans really deserve.

I wonder if dogs will be in heaven when we get there? I hope so, anyway.

R.I.P. JOEY AND NICKY, our beloved pups.